Pieces of Me

It happens to most everyone, not just to caregivers but anyone who is a caregiver can surely relate. You find yourself dividing yourself up into pieces to try and meet everybody's needs and discover that it's not working the way you expected. The equation isn't adding up. Lots of people are sandwiched in with kids at home they're still trying to raise and parents who are becoming increasingly dependent on them as well. Some are experiencing the joys of grandparenting while tending to the needs of their own parents at the same time. And then there's the pesky task of trying to keep hearth and home together and pleasing one's employer(s) added to the need to carve out even a tiny slice of a social life to keep a tenuous grip on your sanity. It can begin to look like an impossible task, an un-doable situation.

The most important thing to remember if you can't remember anything else when things start to look overwhelming is to slam the door on anything that resembles a guilt trip. Do not get on that train. Nobody can make you and the only person who can put you there is you. If you know in your heart that you have done what you can to meet the needs (read needs, not wants) of all the folks you feel responsible for then give yourself permission to move on to whatever's next and do everything possible to avoid falling into the traps and pitfalls that are lying in wait to swallow you up. Their priorities don't have to become your priorities. Avoid like the plague anything that smells like drama or blame or guilt. Life is short and God put you on this earth to be happy. Happiness does come from loving and caring for others and making other people happy. But it's like they tell you everytime you fly - you HAVE to put that oxygen mask on yourself first because you can't help anybody else if you're dead. There is joy to be found a thousand times a day if you look for it. Don't let anybody or anything block your view or cloud your vision. And they can only do that if you give them permission. Find the joy. And if you're having trouble finding it I highly recommend this book. It was recommended to me by my wonderful therapist and it changed my outlook 180 degrees. Happiness really IS an inside job, you're the only one with the power. Don't let anyone else try to make you think otherwise.

Remember YOU!

My apologies for the lack of posts lately, for "professional religious people" (or am I semi-pro? who knows...) Christmas time means packed schedules and we've had an uptick in pastoral care stuff to boot. We are all extra busy trying to get it all done and then sometimes you get nailed by the inevitable cold and/or flu germs that seem to love the holidays too. That's been my life for a few weeks now - busy with lots of church events and planning, I had a head and chest cold that laid me out for a while and trying to shop and bake and clean... oy! I had not been to my water aerobics class for I think almost a month and boy did I feel it. I was not sleeping as well, feeling sluggish and a little bit crabby even. (I know, that's hard to believe!) All that just melted away when I hit that wonderful warm water in the pool today. I didn't over do but I got a good workout and it did me a world of good. I'll be back on Monday and hope not to have to miss that much pool time again.

So what is your point Betsy, you may be asking. The point is that the busier you get the more important it is to remember to take care of YOU. I preach it all the time but I need to remember to put it into practice. Everyone benefits when I take time to care for me. And that is true for you too. Get out, go for a walk, crank the radio up and dance like a fool... whatever it takes. Just do it.

Couples and Illness

In my web wanderings I came across a blog post about couples dealing with illness. This part was especially poignant:

They have been each others' salvation for so long that they do not know how to take care of themselves as separate individuals. When the stress of illness is so severe and prolonged, it is critical that each partner put in place a support platform for him or herself. When being together pulls each partner down into a vortex of fear, depression, and uncertainty, each person needs to create a separate safety zone that can provide some nourishment. That zone can include friends, work, activities, therapy, meditation, time in the woods or by a river.

Sometimes, in desperate circumstances, partners have to stand alone in order to hold each other up.

Wow. That is some great insight right there. Follow the link above to read the entire post.

For the Spouse

It's included in the wedding vows, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health... and it very often happens that one spouse will end up being the primary caregiver for the other who has a chronic illness or disability. These spouses need support and encouragement by the truckload but they don't always get it. Here is a site where they can find information and support targeted directly for them and their common issues, the Well Spouse Association. Although they do not have a support group in my area, they do have many across the country and in Canada. But the web site itself has some very helpful information and they have a newsletter for their members as well. Here is a sample newsletter they have available to download. Go take a look around, if you don't need the information for yourself at present, you may have a friend who does. Pass it on. And then offer to do something nice for them. They deserve it.

Don't neglect yourself

It's way too easy for a caregiver to put off self care because our responsibilities can be so time-consuming and we tend to put ourselves at the bottom of our to-do lists. I like the example of being on an airplane with someone we're responsible for. The flight attendants always stress that in the event of an incident that requires the use of the oxygen masks you should always put yours on first because you can't help or care for anyone else if you're unconscious. It's the same with life as a care giver... if you allow yourself to be depleted, worn out and used up you can't possibly have anything left to give anyone else. Check into respite services through your local Area Agency on Aging , your church or sometimes your local community may have such a program. Friends and family are probably more willing to lend some time and support than you realize. Don't be shy about asking. You can also schedule time for yourself each day to go for a walk, read something uplifting or just "be" for a while. Whatever recharges your batteries, just do it! Nobody benefits if you are overwhelmed and help is very often just a phone call away.