Rich, chocolaty stress relief

I know I've said it before more than once but it's so important for caregivers to remember to take care of themselves and they usually need regular remiders that if they don't stay healthy in body, mind and spirit they're eventually going to need a caregiver themselves. Here's a link that is directed toward caregivers of folks with Alzheimer's but it's chock full of good advice for any and all caregivers. Follow the links for stress relief too, especially this one. They've got good stuff for everybody who has stress to address and that's pretty much all of us, yes? And then of course there's always chocolate...

Respite Rocks!

One of the first things you hear in the pre-flight speil is if you are traveling with a small child or someone who is dependent on you that you need to remember to put the oxygen mask on yourself first if such is required because you can't help anyone else if you've passed out yourself. This is analogy often used when counseling caregivers... take care of yourself because if you get sick or drop dead then you aren't going to be of any use to anyone anymore. Sadly, it's one of the least heeded pieces of advice that they get. Granted, sometimes it's due to a martyr complex that the caregiver has adopted. Very often the caregiver isn't comfortable leaving anyone else to tend to their loved one, especially if they have particular needs that someone else may not be able to meet. But most often, a caregiver doesn't get a break or respite time simply because there isn't anyone available to take over for them or they don't know how to go about finding the help that they need.

I am so very blessed to have family and friends to back me up. I got away this weekend with my all-female work group from church the Tool Time Girls(TM). My sweet sister came over from Trenton, FL where she lives on five acres out in the middle of God knows where. She took over Mama-care duties at the nursing home for me. Our dear friend Steve (the bf of one of the group) offered us his lovely home on a canal in Palm Coast. He came up to Jax and stayed at her house because one rule of TTGs is no boys allowed. We had just the best time eating and sleeping and watching movies and we even got to watch the Jaguars game on a station out of Orlando. We didn't go to the beach because of the weather and the runouts but we did go see the estate of a Russian Princess out on Matanzas Bay. Even though we didn't do anything crazy this year like get tattooed or anything, it was just what we needed, me especially and a fabulous time was had by all. I did get a text Saturday morning from my sister telling me that Mama had gone back into congestive heart failure and had been moved back to the hospital but she wouldn't let me come back, she had it under control. She's such a peach. And Mama is doing much better today, she may be discharged tomorrow and we'll be bringing her home this time. I think she's had about as much rehab at the nursing home as she can tolerate and I felt like they weren't as concerned about the sodium levels in her food as I would have been. See... there's that "nobody can do it as well as I can" complex happening there just a little bit.

For folks who are not as blessed as I am to have such great support there are agencies that provide respite care. I know that the VA was very good about giving Mama respite when Daddy's care became a full-time job for her. Catholic Charities and Urban Jacksonville both have local respite programs as do several nursing homes and home care agencies. Help is out there for you and if you need my help finding it in your community just e-mail me Betsy@Feedinmama.com and I'll do what I can to point you in the right direction. But please do remember to take care of YOU. It's important.

Pieces of Me

It happens to most everyone, not just to caregivers but anyone who is a caregiver can surely relate. You find yourself dividing yourself up into pieces to try and meet everybody's needs and discover that it's not working the way you expected. The equation isn't adding up. Lots of people are sandwiched in with kids at home they're still trying to raise and parents who are becoming increasingly dependent on them as well. Some are experiencing the joys of grandparenting while tending to the needs of their own parents at the same time. And then there's the pesky task of trying to keep hearth and home together and pleasing one's employer(s) added to the need to carve out even a tiny slice of a social life to keep a tenuous grip on your sanity. It can begin to look like an impossible task, an un-doable situation.

The most important thing to remember if you can't remember anything else when things start to look overwhelming is to slam the door on anything that resembles a guilt trip. Do not get on that train. Nobody can make you and the only person who can put you there is you. If you know in your heart that you have done what you can to meet the needs (read needs, not wants) of all the folks you feel responsible for then give yourself permission to move on to whatever's next and do everything possible to avoid falling into the traps and pitfalls that are lying in wait to swallow you up. Their priorities don't have to become your priorities. Avoid like the plague anything that smells like drama or blame or guilt. Life is short and God put you on this earth to be happy. Happiness does come from loving and caring for others and making other people happy. But it's like they tell you everytime you fly - you HAVE to put that oxygen mask on yourself first because you can't help anybody else if you're dead. There is joy to be found a thousand times a day if you look for it. Don't let anybody or anything block your view or cloud your vision. And they can only do that if you give them permission. Find the joy. And if you're having trouble finding it I highly recommend this book. It was recommended to me by my wonderful therapist and it changed my outlook 180 degrees. Happiness really IS an inside job, you're the only one with the power. Don't let anyone else try to make you think otherwise.

A Reality Check For Caregivers

Carol O'Dell, author of Mothering Mother: A Daughters Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir, has written an excellent article over at The Caregiver Blog that is a stark reality check for caregivers who are too invested in their caregiving experience for their own good. She has a list of questions that all caregivers need to ask themselves and answer honestly and follows with a wonderful list of "permissions" letting them know that it's okay to not be perfect or have it all together. Read the whole article and pass it on to anyone you know who could benefit from it - which is pretty much anyone who is charged with caring for another human being.

Thanks for the link from Carol Bradley Bursack over at the Minding Our Elders blog.